My tears still litter that loney stretch of Hwy. 31 W

2007 was a pretty mundane year, as years go. Although not much happened, I'm going to spend about 15 seconds and go over the few things that did take place this year.

This year I turned 25, which I had personally had no problem with doing. Unfortunately, our waitress at dinner didn't like my positive attitude about turning a quarter of a century old. So she proceeded to tell me about how her sister cried on her 25th birthday because it meant she was getting old and really close to 30. Personally, I don't see 25 as that close to 30, and I don't see 30 as old. But to her, that's because I'm close to 30 and old. Oh well.

This was the year that I met two of the new loves of my life. I guess I'll talk about the human baby first, so I won't make anyone angry. After months of waiting, about nine months if I am doing my math correctly, we finally got to meet the baby that made my sister talk about eating mashed potatoes for one whole day. Kaitlyn was born in June and it's hard to remember life before her. Another important addition to the family is Swarley, who was born in July, although I didn't meet him until September. Although I could probably spend the next five hours writing about how much I love my kitten, I won't. Because I do have better things to do today, and also I don't need to hear any shit about how lame I am for writing about my cat.

This was the year that I made a lot of new friends. And not just friends, but really good friends that will be around for a while. And while I'm excited about these new friends, 2007 was not the year that I made up with lost friends. 2008 will be the year for that.

2007 was the year of the awkward blind date because I went on four or five of them. While this isn't it a lot, it is for me because I'd only been on one before this year. And while I didn't fall in love with any of my dates, I did make a couple of good friends. And I didn't get murdered by any of them, so I win.

While I may consider it the year of the blind date, it was not necessarily the year of the date. This year I haven't felt comfortable in my own skin, so I've had trouble accepting dates because if I don't like myself a whole lot, it's hard to feel like someone else will like you. 2008 will be about learning to like myself more.

2007 was the year of not puking on anyone's couch. So, bonus.

This was also the year that I learned to be more comfortable experiencing new things. And not being afraid to experience them by myself. And for me, that was a big deal.

And now the list:
Best band I discovered (and by discovered, I mean I got if off a list made for me by Laura): Paramore or Copeland

Best movie I saw: Alpha Dog (and yes, I realize that movie is from 2006) or SuperBad

Best gift given to me by someone else: my mixer or my leopard print flats

Best gift given to me by me: Swarley or my BlackBerry

Best show of 2007: Monster Quest or Gangland (both on the History Channel. both seriously amazing)

Best discovery of 2007: Energizer Lithium batteries or the Loreal shampoo that comes in the pink bottle that says something about pearls or fish bowl or the fact that Nathan loves the Dave Matthews Band


2007 was the year that I loved and didn't want to be over, but honestly, I can't wait for 2008. I'm going to make it my best ever. Swearsies.

Timeline

Age 13: I'm sleeping over at my best friend's house. I can still remember the Smurf piggy bank they had on the hearth of their fire place. We are lying in our sleeping bags in front of the tv, which puts us about six feet away from her parent's bedroom. During a commercial break, we hear water running in her parent's bathroom. She gives me a look and says "The water is running. You know what that means." I say "Totally" although I have no clue what that means. She says, "They had the water running because they are having sex. I can't believe they are having sex with us right here." At this point, I have no idea what running water has to do with sex, but of course, I can't let her know that. So I say, "Yeah! I can't believe they are having SEX. Gross!"

Age 25: Although I've knocked my fair share of boots, I still have no idea what was up with the running water and how she equated that with her parents having sex.



**Inspired by #42 in "No One Cares What You Had for Lunch"

If you don't know me, this may help. If you do know me, why are you still my friend?

*If I see even one line of the show information on t.v., I have to read the entire thing. Even if it's the info about "The Hills" or "Ted Mosby: Sex Architect."

*Once, I told a friend that I wish I could bottle my cat's scent and wear it as a perfume. But in my defense, it's not so I can smell like my cat all of the time. He just smells good. Kinda like a dryer sheet.

*Earlier today while cleaning, I put in some old c.d.s that I used to listen to in high school. And I remembered every word. To every song. This is probably why I can't remember what I'm supposed to do 10 minutes after I'm told to do it.

*Sometimes I change the time I am supposed to be at work, so that I can listen to NPR during my drive.

*I have conversations with my cat. Often.

*I feel like if my cat could talk, he would speak with a deep baritone.

*I kept my friend's fake hair and put it on a vase with a pair of fake glasses and a nose.

*I love to sleep under a fitted sheet because it snuggles around you.



The sad thing is, I have many more weird things that I could announce to the Internet, but I'm not. You're welcome.



**Inspired by #30 in "No One Cares What You Had for Lunch"

Things I love

the smell of dryer sheets

that one thing Swarley does when I come out of my room after getting ready for work

Copeland (thanks for the heads up, Laura. You were right; they are changing my life)

people who don't speak in third person

the smell of pomegranates

chuck

that one thing Swarley does when he sees me holding a bowl of ice cream

the color of my toenails right now

the fact that someone is cleaning my kitchen as I type this

mystery

the white ginger sauce from Kyoto

20 things I am

1. Suffering from one of the worst migraines of my life
2. Loving the last episode of 'The Office.' Pam + Jim 4 life
3. Wishing it wasn't so cold in my house right now
4. Ready for Monday so I can find out if I got the job
5. Really ready for Thursday when I leave for Bartlett
6. Really really ready for Friday when I leave for Florida
7. Needing to make some mix tapes for the trip. Okay, I guess they are mix c.d.s but that sounds lame
8. Wishing I had a house boy to take out my overflowing trash can...and do tons of other things around my house, including finishing my closet that has been torn apart for a month now
9. Embarrassed about the dream that I had that included one of my friends, me and a box of Sam's Club condoms
10. Hungry for a chimichanga
11. In need of a manicure and a pedicure
12. In need of enough money to get a manicure and a pedicure
13. Excited about meeting my niece (or nephew) in a month
14. Cold
15. Realizing that I need a five-year plan. That includes something other than planning for one month of nothing but chocolate pudding.
16. Not shopping online
17. Putting Kahlua in my coffee right now
18. Only a little upset that the remote is all the way across the room, thus making me have to watch the commercials
19. Mad that no one will go to the drive-in with me tonight
20. Able to think of these far more easily than 20 things that I am not

20 things I am not

1. Ever going to stop playing at least 30 minutes of Guitar Hero every day. God willing.
2. Cool
3. Willing to believe that Paris Hilton doesn't deserve to go to jail
4. Afraid of making an ass out of myself to get everyone to laugh
5. In the least bit, motivated at all today to do anything
6. Going to worry about the job interview that I had today. If it happens, good. If not, oh well.
7. Able to stop scratching this damn mosquito bite that I got from standing around talking outside last night
8. At all interesting in turning around to see what is on the tv screen even though I just heard the words "chocolate" and "colonics" within 10 seconds of each other
9. Doing very well at 365 days
10. Shopping online. Okay, well maybe I am
11. Willing to admit that the fact that one of my calendars shows April and another one shows March proves just how damn lazy I can be
12. Proud of the fact that I just hid from the UPS guy because I'm in a tank top and tiny shorts
13. Capable of not picking at my nails
14. Happy about the fact that I am such a wimp that I couldn't even lay out in the sun for more than 30 minutes without complaining about how hot it was and having to go inside to cool off
15. Going to be able to handle being at the beach for a week
16. Willing to stop checking my email at least once an hour
17. Able to decide whether or not there should be a period at the end of each of these phrases. I know that they aren't sentences, but there is still something in side of me that is compelling me to put periods at the end of each one.
18. A hater
19. In love with my hair anymore. Earlier today, it was fantastic, but now, not so much.
20. Able to think of anymore things that I am not

How to make me hate you with the hate of a thousand hates

Go outside and get something of your car then go back inside your house and shut the door. Then, when I come running up to your front door to use your phone because I'm a jackass and somehow locked myself out of my house, refuse to open the door.

And then, after I have to go to three other houses in order to finally find a phone to use because one of them isn't home, then the other doesn't have long distance or a cell phone (which, btw, who doesn't have a cell phone!?!?!), walk your FAT ASS out of your house to walk your dog. Because I guess I'm supposed to believe that you were gone in the five minutes that I was looking for someone to help me. Even though your car was in the driveway the entire time. I hate you. K. Bye.

Putting this in your head so that maybe it will get out of mine

After watching two guys read the back of every box of condoms the other night, I saw them finally choose one and head toward the front of the store. As it turns out, I ended up behind them in the check-out line.

I put my purchases on the belt and watched the cashier ring up the two items that one of the guys was buying. Being nosy, I tried to see what kind of condoms they finally decided to get (Trojan Supras, in case you were wondering). But much to my surprise, not only did I get to see what kind of condoms he was buying, I also got to see what he was buying with the condoms. And man, I wish I hadn't.

After he finished buying his stuff and then headed to the door, I went up to pay the cashier for my stuff. She was trying to hold in a laugh, as was I. Why? Because to go along with his condom purchase, this guy also bought Krazy Glue. The cashier and I laughed about this together and then we decided that we didn't want to know what those two dudes were going to do with a pack of condoms and a tube of Krazy Glue.

But. But! I can't stop thinking about it. Now, I am sure that there is a logical reason why he bought the Krazy Glue. And I'm sure this reason has nothing to do with the condoms. But. What if it doesn't?

Pee to the ess: He had to show I.D. to buy the Krazy Glue. But not the condoms.

Boooring, I know. But I don't want to have gone a whole month without saying anything

So...what did you think about the wudang double sword?

I don't know, but a big ol' mess of pork chops does sound good right now.

Phillipondeeznutz, woman. Yeah.

I am waiting in line at the post office. (Now in an old lady voice) they should open another window.

Then you're gone...you disappear like a phantom.

Congratulations on your new head position.

Red coat actress is really getting on my nerves.

I think someone shit on the coats.

Is your one more stop your butthole?

No prob. I'm puff painting a shirt with Nathan's face on it.

Do you want to watch them foam fight?

I guess we are too old to deserve love.

Good night. I love you.

WHAT?!? I hope it wasn't on my coat.

Momma's french toast breakfast when you are hungover. Now THAT is God's love.

Come in here and tell me if it looks dumb.

There is a midget on there with a seven-foot son.

Did you get all of your d&d shit done even though I distracted you last night with rum and movies?

Should I take the deal for 594750 when I have 200,000 and 750,000 and 1,000,000 left?

And McDonald's fries when you're hungover.

To me, God's love is the white ginger sauce from Kyoto's.

Quit your job and let's go get drunk.

The vodka makes it easier to cope.

Gotta do this soon before they get deleted

It's that time again for this dayweekmonth in texts. Here we go:

-I don't know 94428 84428 633266777

-I think someone shit on the coats.

-Jesus and I love you more.

-When does your tomfoolery not involve a pooping penguin?

-Text convo:
-Celebrities are just like us!
-They pick their belly button lint! And then smell it!! Or is that just me? !!!!
-They masturbate every 2.3 days! 1!1!!
-They shit in the toilet! Exclamation point!!!

-He told me to tell Jesus hi for him and I told him to do the same for me if he saw Him. He told me he would punch Jesus in the face.

-I'm sitting in a gas station parking lot. And I'm pretty sure there is a hooker on the other side of the lot.

-I said that you don apostrostrophe t know what I apostrophe m saying.

-Will you be my husband if I get picked for Wife Swap?

-Nope. Don't want to be murdered.

How to make me love you

Make this conversation happen at least three times a week:

Me, sighing: "I love being hot."

You, sighing even more: "I know you do."

And bonus points for knowing how to correctly answer this question:

With the television blaring and you in the corner playing the guitar while listening to music on the computer:

Me, hoping and praying that you come up with the correct response: "Why would you want to listen to the radio with the television on?"

You, immediately, with no hesitation whatsoever: "Cuz I like to party."*

*Bonus points for you if you know what movie this is from

Maybe this is why my friends are always calling me a pussy

As I pushed my cart up to the checkout line, I could already see the checker-person staring at my semi-full cart with contempt.

I know. How dare I grocery shop when she is working? Whore! After she caught me staring at her staring at my cart, she kinda half-smiled to show me that she wasn't really angry that I did my grocery shopping while she was working. But you could tell that she still was. So to smooth things over with this angry checker-person, I gave her a big smile and a "hi, how are ya?" type of thing. Didn't help. She was still angry.

Oh, well. Don't care. But I do! So as she huffed while scanning the large amount of fruits and vegetables that I had, I apologized for attempting to buy some many fruits and vegetables.

Yep. I apologized for buying food. And! Offered to put some of them back up.

Hi, my name is Vagina McGinastein and I offered to put back my groceries so this little girl didn't have to work. Help me now.

Too cold to think of anything to write, so here's some stuff that has already been written

*Texts to me and from me...

He sucked dick for coke - did you see that coming?

Wow. I guess he never found out that she was a lesbian.

Your mom sucks cock in hell. And so will you.

I think there is someone in my closet. I am trying to freak him or her out by talking about my big black boyfriend being on his way home from the gym and the shooting range.

Dustin forgot his cell phone at home. I tried to catch him but he drives FAST.

I was in Jericho growing pasta for the poor children. That's how much I think of myself.

Neither did sexy. Until it couldn't breathe anymore.

I am awesome

I am attempting to do a project where you take one self portrait every day. For a year. My only goofy shot has become my most popular. It was even chosen by Flickr to be on their 'interestingness' page. Here is a screenshot of where it was featured. Pay no attention to the tabs in Firefox that show that I was also looking at stuff on my cat. Because I wasn't. Well, maybe a little. Okay. For an hour.

Obviously a slow week for interesting text messages,

but it's just enough to discourage me from actually trying to write something tonight when instead I could be watching Family Guy.

*Stars are just like us! They shit in the toilet!

*It's your face, not my vagina.

*0 kids. It's like they heard that Michael Jackson lives on my front porch.

*Oh so ghetto.

*I wish Dustin was here because some guy keeps grabbing my ass.
Reply: You know you like it.
My reply to that: I know, but I want him to see it.

*Do you remember when I used to lick people's faces?

You've got to be in it to win it

Me: This pizza is pretty good.

Him: I know. They were only $3.99 for each one. I feel like I won the pizza lottery.

After more talk about the great deal on the delicious pizzas,

Me: You are going to dream about those pizzas tonight.

Him: I'm going to get it tattooed on my chest.

Dear you stupid son-of-a-bitch deer,

Why? Why couldn't you have just stayed on the side of the road for 20 more seconds? If that's too much to ask, why couldn't you have stayed there at least 10 more seconds? Why did you have to cross the road in front of us? Why did you have to stop? Right there in the middle of the road with the truck barreling towards you at 55 mph. I haven't had a chance to Google it, but I'm sure there is some reason why deer seem to be attracted by fast-moving giant metal objects with bright lights. I just want to know that reason. If for some reason, maybe the fact that you are probably dead, you can't tell me why, then just stay away from civilization. If you agree to stay in the woods and off the highway, then I'll agree to stay out of the woods and on the highway (at least until the spring when we go camping, but even then I agree to not bring a gun or feed you Swedish fish). Agreed?

Former wildlife lover but now merely only a liker,
Emily


P.S. You ruined our night, but I'm guessing by the amount of your fur still stuck in the grill of the truck, that we fucked your night up a little bit more. Sorry. Well, not really.

Not my idea, but I'm a little desperate

These five questions came from the Friday Fiver :

1. Where were you last night?
I was at home until 9:30 when I left Portland to go to Bowling Green. Once in Bowling Green, I met up with friends then rode with them downtown to a bar called Tidball's for a concert.

2. Did you speak with anyone?
I spoke with Kathy and Jimmy at my house. Then I talked to my friends, then the "bouncer" (really just an id checker, but that sounds stupid), then the bartender, then Dustin's roommate, then random people during the show.

3. What were you wearing?
Black sweater, gray tank top, jeans, sneakers

4. What did you eat or drink?
Burger and water from fucking Bob & Rhonda's for dinner. Then I drank beer at the bar.

5. Can anyone verify your whereabouts from midnight to 5am?
people at the bar until about 1 a.m. then just Dustin and Megan after that


Whew, that was easy and that's what I need right now. I am going to eat dinner and then go to bed soon after because I am going on four hours of sleep and I still have to be up at six in the morning for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Nashville tomorrow. Tomorrow's post will be better and a little more informative. Sorry. I suck. Deal with it.

Lessons learned on Saturday night:

*I love whiskey, but it doesn't love me back.

*McDonald's french fries take more than two hours to fully digest.

*A-Dogg is not a good rap name to give out when you are handing out kick-ass rap names. He won't appreciate it.

*It's hard to comprehend that fact when you are drunk.

*Big Cash Time Money Style Living is hard to say every time you try to tell people the philosophy by which you live your life all day every day, biatch.

*I would be royally fucked without friends like Dustin and Megan.

*Nate-Dogg knows how to throw one hell of a party...it's too bad he'll never let me come back over.

*Her name is Bethany. Not "my friend, whiskey."


FYI: NaBloPoMo begins tomorrow. Come back. Every day. I'll be here.