This week in text messages...because this is incredibly easy to write and I am incredibly busy doing nothing. Yay! Go me!

We are cool and don't you ever forget it.

Oh yeah you know you like the tit fettish porn.

Do you think the inside of a snack-size chip bag looks like a robot vagina?

I wanna get you a black cobra. Just to wear around the neck.

I think your response is adequate. Good for you.

God is a porterhouse...an 80 ounce porterhouse.

Good evening, my lovely tater tot husband.

Nasty.

*crosses fingers that includes the words white and/or trash*

How'd ya like that drive-by nutting, bitch?

Sad because it wasn't chocolate?

Oh God yes. It's like watching porn in 3D.

I will never shake your hand.

The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality, they seldom attack humans.

Hot, nasty bad-ass speed.

Good for you. I'm about to move all of my belongings to another state.

Meet me at the mall. It's going down. In front of the Sunglass Hut.

Btw, he also gave your mom that smile.

Crouching maxi, hidden tampon.

Lemme guess: black pants, even blacker soul.
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I just realized that last time I told you which were from me and which were to me. Well, not this time, suckers. As with last time, email me or call me and I'll tell you why what was said was said (or make up a reasonable answer because I probably don't remember anymore).