Because I would rather watch "Grandma's Boy" for the three thousandth time...

Once again, it's this week in text messages. Yay.

I don't have antlers, do I?

I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt.

Wine coolers don't impress me.

I know. I hope I don't get any shit mist on my phone.

Aren't you supposed to be working? And ignoring my pleas for you to come and enjoy delicious pancakes with me.

Betty White just said "cock ring."

And possibly, shitting his pants.

Fuck that. Walk out right now and let's go get drunk.

Do you want an ice cream sandwich? They are on whole wheat with lettuce.

I tried to wake Dustin up, but I don't know if he stayed up. We did have a conversation that I'm sure he doesn't remember. It was about global warming and whether or not two unicorns having sex is hot or not. I mean, I know that doesn't necessarily sound sexy, but dude, it's motherfucking unicorns.

Did you forget your penis sock at my house?

Let me guess, a bag of weed would have been fine.

Sorry. Momma's gots to get laid.

Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey.

Underneath this genius, I'm simply a human. But I'm working on that.

Get your skinny ass up and eat pancakes with me.

So far, Snakes on a Plane isn't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.

It's still raining. So now I have curly hair and everyone can see my nipples.

I hope it's a naked guy with a boner.


**Let me know if you if you want to know**