I've exhausted every possible solution. I've tried every last game there is to play. In this search for the Christ-like perfection I'm convinced I've only left my God ashamed. I cry. I wonder, can He hear my despair? Afraid to lift my hands afraid He doesn't care. And if He answers and I fall again, can I still be His daugther. Can I still depend on Him. When I'm down search every mistake looking for new regrets. Sometimes I forget, I forget that HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME. That it's deeper and wider than I can conceive. His grace is sufficient for me. My convictions seem to fade with desperation, my hope declines with each and every tear. My sin is an anchor and this grace is just an illusion. The gavels heavy and justice is near. Up comes the light and finds the stains on my hands. Up comes my pride, I hide, I know He won't understand. Cause it's deeper than deep and it's wider than wide. Why did I ever doubt, now I'm dying inside. When I'm down search every mistake looking for new regrets. Sometimes I forget, I forget that HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME. That it's deeper and wider than I can conceive. HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT.
His Grace is Sufficient for Me
Lately while I have been working on some of my assignments, I have been listening to a mini-disc that I made a couple of years ago. It's filled with Christian bands, from Switchfoot to Chris Rice and Third Day to Jennifer Knapp. While I love every song that is on this disc, several of Jennifer Knapp's songs have been hitting me hard. I haven't been as strong in my faith as I was in the past. And while I'm ashamed to admit this, I can't tell you the last time I sat down and just prayed to God. There, that's how I roll. It seems like ever since I graduated from college, I haven't had "the time" to simply sit down and pray and talk to God. This is a load of bull. The real problem is that I haven't made the time. I'll be the first to admit that I am FAR from perfect, and it's been hard for me to accept this and accept the fact that God still loves me and would do anything for me and has done everything for me. I don't understand how He can be so faithful to me even in times when I am much less faithful to Him. It makes me sad to see how far I have strayed from God in just the last few months. I don't go to church very often. I don't act like I should. I say and do things that I know are wrong. I'm not the person that God wants me to be and I'm not the person that I want to be. I don't know why I have changed so much lately. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not near as many Godly examples as I was last year or if I've simply become too lazy and self-absorbed (ding ding ding...that's correct...tell her what she's won), but I want to change. So far in this one post, I've managed to go through the first two steps: 1. admitting that there's a problem 2. wanting to change. So that's good, I guess. What I need is someone to hold me accountable. But the problem with that is that I hate being held accountable for things. But I'm willing to let go and let God on this one. And that's probably the attitude I should have had all along.