Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Not the promised blog, but it's what I needed to say

I've been cleaning all day and this has given me a lot of time to think about things. This is only the tenth day of November and it's already been a very emotional month for me. And this is the case for several reasons:

The first reason is that I just found out that one of my favorite uncles is sick. He has some kind of blood disease, but doctors can't agree on what exactly is wrong with him. I just found this out the other day, and I didn't realize how serious it was until I saw him last night at my grandmother's house. He seemed fine during dinner, but afterwards when my mom and I were talking to him, he was shaking a little and he was pale and hands looked like they were turning blue. We asked him if he was dizzy and he said that he has been dizzy for the past three months. This was bad, but what was worse is that my aunt said they couldn't do Thanksgiving dinner at their house b/c they wanted to go see his family in Memphis b/c they don't know how many more they will have. I almost started crying right then, but I didn't want to freak anyone out. I can't even bear the thought of not having Brad in my life. I am so tired of people around me being sick and hurt and there not being anything I can do to help. My aunt's nephew Nick is doing better, but he still has stomach problems and the paralysis to deal with and there is nothing I can do. I hate feeling so weak and powerless.

The second reason I've been emotional this month isn't a bad thing. I've been touched this month by seeing how many people care for me. I've sometimes felt that I care more for people than they do for me. And that a lot of people are friends with me, but that doesn't mean that they truly care for me. I know this makes me sound pathetic, but that's the way I felt. I've always dealt with a little bit of low self-esteem. I've always wondered why people would choose to be my friend when there are so many other people they could be friends with. But within the past month or so, there have been so many ways that people have shown me that they cared...even if they may not realize how much it affected me. There is a woman that I work with, and let's just say that we haven't always gotten along. The other day I was cleaning out my purse (also known as the suitcase) and I found a note that she had written and dropped into my purse. The note was very nice, saying that she was glad that we worked together and that she was thankful for all of my contributions there. I could not have been more suprised and thankful. It was always nice to be told that you are appreciated. My boss also wrote me a letter about how glad she was the she had hired me and that I was an asset to the company. People don't realize how a little letter of appreciation can affect someone's day. And today I was talking to Rebecca and she told me that she missed me and that whenever she talks about me, her husband says that he misses me. It's so great to be loved, and I think that we have been conditioned to not say things like that even when we feel it. How many times have you been appreciative of something someone has said or done, but not said how you feel? I have become much more aware of how people are affected by what I say and do. I have become a great, big walking ball of gushiness lately.

In my interpersonal support in the workplace class last week, we talked about how our actions affect everyone around us. Dr. Hastings gave us a letter to give to someone at work who did or said something nice to us. And during the next class we are going to tell about how it affectd us and the person we gave the letter to. I think that it is such a great idea to let the poeple around you know how you feel about them. Not only will it brighten their day, but it makes you feel good too. I just hope that the people around me know that I love them and would be lost without them. I am working on telling everyone how much I care about them b/c I know how good it feels to hear this from the people you love.

Another reason, I've been emotional this month is that I am feeling extremely guilty. No, I don't have any interesting dirt to dish. I feel guilty because I have been given this opportunity to go to grad school, and I am not making the most of it. Sure, I'm doing the work, but I don't think that I am doing the best that I can. I am easily distracted from my work. I'm hoping that next semester will be better b/c I will be done with this quantitative research class, but we'll see. Yes, I have decided to stick it out and go back for at least another semester, but we'll have to wait and see what happens after this next semester.

I'm not really sure why I have been so emotional this month, but it doesn't look like it's going to end soon. In fact, it seems to be getting worse. The other day I was in Barnes and Noble and I picked up this book about good things about moms. And I started crying in the middle of the store. My sister and I have always been sensitive; we got it from our mom. But this is getting ridiculous. But at least I know that my brother is getting as bad as I am. He cries at this movie they play on the Disney channel. And he cries at a lot of the stuff that I cry about too. And I'm not sure if being this emotional is a good or a bad thing.

Anyways, that's enough of my rambling. But these are some things that have been on my mind for a while. And while I didn't get out everything that I wanted to say, I got out some of it. These are really things that I just need to talk about with friends. It's just that when I start talking about them, I usally start to cry and don't really know what I want to say. And I'm not really sure who wants to go through that...

Anyways, I've started rambling again. I'm off to get dressed and head to the library to make some copies and work on my research and my narrative analysis and my theories presentation...

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