Gotta do this soon before they get deleted

It's that time again for this dayweekmonth in texts. Here we go:

-I don't know 94428 84428 633266777

-I think someone shit on the coats.

-Jesus and I love you more.

-When does your tomfoolery not involve a pooping penguin?

-Text convo:
-Celebrities are just like us!
-They pick their belly button lint! And then smell it!! Or is that just me? !!!!
-They masturbate every 2.3 days! 1!1!!
-They shit in the toilet! Exclamation point!!!

-He told me to tell Jesus hi for him and I told him to do the same for me if he saw Him. He told me he would punch Jesus in the face.

-I'm sitting in a gas station parking lot. And I'm pretty sure there is a hooker on the other side of the lot.

-I said that you don apostrostrophe t know what I apostrophe m saying.

-Will you be my husband if I get picked for Wife Swap?

-Nope. Don't want to be murdered.

Just a couple of the things that I am thankful for:

1) my kick-ass friends- I would be lost without them
2) my even kick-assier family- I could write a million words about all that they do for me, but not tonight
3) my boss who loves me
4) Megan's grandma's wontons- fuck, yeah
5) cheap shampoo that still makes my hair look great
6) beer- cheap and it does what it's supposda

More to come later, but right now, I'm going to take advantage of 5, 1, 6 and 4. In that order.

Obviously a slow week for interesting text messages,

but it's just enough to discourage me from actually trying to write something tonight when instead I could be watching Family Guy.

*Stars are just like us! They shit in the toilet!

*It's your face, not my vagina.

*0 kids. It's like they heard that Michael Jackson lives on my front porch.

*Oh so ghetto.

*I wish Dustin was here because some guy keeps grabbing my ass.
Reply: You know you like it.
My reply to that: I know, but I want him to see it.

*Do you remember when I used to lick people's faces?

Lessons learned on Saturday night:

*I love whiskey, but it doesn't love me back.

*McDonald's french fries take more than two hours to fully digest.

*A-Dogg is not a good rap name to give out when you are handing out kick-ass rap names. He won't appreciate it.

*It's hard to comprehend that fact when you are drunk.

*Big Cash Time Money Style Living is hard to say every time you try to tell people the philosophy by which you live your life all day every day, biatch.

*I would be royally fucked without friends like Dustin and Megan.

*Nate-Dogg knows how to throw one hell of a party...it's too bad he'll never let me come back over.

*Her name is Bethany. Not "my friend, whiskey."


FYI: NaBloPoMo begins tomorrow. Come back. Every day. I'll be here.

Note to self:

If you vomit in someone's living room and are then covered in said vomit, everyone else at the party will not believe you when you tell them that someone vomited, but no, it wasn't you and you don't know who it was.