Working on not only going all the way, but going all the way to heaven

2008-11-30T23:11:00.000-06:00

Fin

WHY ARE YOU HIGH!

2008-11-29T14:38:00.000-06:00

This video contains my new go-to shroom music

2008-11-28T23:52:00.002-06:00

I was just getting ready to put in a title and the annoying drop down box that comes with Firefox showed the titles I've put in that started with a 'G' and one of them was 'Get down on it.' I've got to go back and see what that one was about.

What I'm thankful for at this exact moment in time

2008-11-27T11:22:00.003-06:00

God's abundant blessings

my family

the world's greatest friends

the love of a good cat

the like of a good man

did I mention my family?

the fact that I'm done cooking and can now look forward to just eating and eating

that my pants are looser now than they were last week

etc...

My new favorite band (thanks, Jack)

2008-11-26T21:14:00.000-06:00

2008-11-25T23:02:00.001-06:00

Got to do this fast. I'm posting from my phone and it's costing me $100 a minute. Or something like that.
Nothing new is happening. Work and sleep. Sleep and work. Kbye.

2008-11-25T23:02:00.000-06:00

Got to do this fast. I'm posting from my phone and it's costing me $100 a minute. Or something like that.
Nothing new is happening. Work and sleep. Sleep and work. Kbye.

2008-11-24T18:17:00.002-06:00

What I love right at this very moment in time:
-that I've got the house to myself for the week and a DVR filled with my shit
-this (if only it came filled)
-only three days of work this week
-and one day of eating stuff made by other people
-this. a lot.
-the cold weather when I'm going out in cute sweater, boots and jackets
-the fact that I'm getting a new car this week

What I hate right at this very moment in time:
-the fact that I feel like I need to throw up and I can't
-the fact that I can't decide whether I should just make myself throw up and get it over with
-cold weather when I'm sitting at home in ugly pajamas
-did I mention the possibility of vomit?
-the fact that I'm trading in the greatest car I've ever had (not that I've had a ton of them, but this one is just top notch. Dude, we survived a bear attack together)

2008-11-23T08:34:00.001-06:00

Tony (extremely gay boy) while shoving way too many things into a way too small bag: I'm known for overstuffing things.

Me: that's what I've heard

man, i swear i'm a fourteen old boy

2008-11-22T23:02:00.000-06:00

Dawn: I'm so hungry. Where's Dick?

Me: I don't really think there's that much nutritional value.

2008-11-21T18:11:00.000-06:00

It's happening...ToMoRrOw!

2008-11-20T11:41:00.001-06:00

No time to talk

2008-11-19T22:19:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to finish reading Twilight before Friday. kthanksbye

2008-11-18T14:06:00.000-06:00

2008-11-17T23:21:00.001-06:00

I am blessed far more than I can and ever will deserve to be blessed. Back tomorrow with more details.

I guess his mouth might also look kind of gay

2008-11-16T20:35:00.002-06:00

Will: Homer* looks extremely gay. I knew he was gay as soon as I met him.

Me: No, he doesn't look gay at all. The only thing that looks gay about him is his hands.

Will: Why do his hands look gay?

Me: Because they're always wrapped around a dick.

*name has been changed to protect the gay

DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT TOTAL!

2008-11-15T23:20:00.001-06:00

YOU ARE GOING TO BE SUCKING DICK TONIGHT

2008-11-14T17:46:00.004-06:00

To the guy I gave a skull to I want to be able to say this to someone at least once in my life

Wild Republican Couple Seeks Adventurous Cutie - mw4m Since when does George Bush know how to post on craigslist?

Clown Gang Bang Ummmm...there are no words

CAT SITTER needed for my lousy cat The ass-juice also results in ass-juice dingle berries

Pregnant lady in wife beater, riding the metro - m4w I wish this kind of love for all of us

I want to marry him

2008-11-12T20:19:00.002-06:00

2008-11-12T18:59:00.002-06:00

McCainland

Obamaland

from kottke.org

If you really love your pet

2008-11-11T22:18:00.004-06:00

You'll do this. Or you can be cold-hearted like me and not do that.

Awkward and awkwarder with a bonus awkwarderer

2008-11-10T17:51:00.003-06:00

Awkward: waking up at 6 in the morning and telling your bedmate to get his hands off your boob
Awkwarder: realizing his hand isn't on your boob, but his cat's hand is

Awkward: having a guy that you could have sworn was gay hit on you and then tell him "oh, if only you swung my way"
Awkwarder: being told by him that he does in fact "swing your way"

Awkward: telling your coworker to stop trying to touch your boob
Awkwarder: realizing that he was just reaching for a piece of paper
Awkwarderer: your coworker responds by saying "I can't open my hand that much"

As much as it pains me to say, these are just from the past two days. There will mos def be more to come.

Coming tomorrow...

2008-11-09T23:02:00.002-06:00

an actual post with actual words from an actual person: me

We'll be discussing awkward and then awkwarder situations.

Me, by the numbers

2008-11-08T09:38:00.001-06:00

times I've gone shopping in the past week: 0 (not having a debit card helped a lot)

shampoos and conditioners in my shower: five of each

Web sites I checked at work during election day: approximately one hundro

times I've fallen asleep on the couch this week and then woken up with wet hair and a crick in my neck, only to have to stay up and dry my hair so I won't cry when I see my hair in the morning: five

nicknames I call my cat: 18

bowls of chili I've eaten this week: four (and I've still got one to go)

days I've made my bed this week: six (I wasn't home for one of those mornings so my bed was still made for the next day, so I guess technically it was seven days)

times a day I heard Ronda say 'shoowee': 5

times a day I want to hear Ronda say 'shoowee': 12

minutes a day I spend sniffing my self (and my new perfume): 69

black shirts I have worn this week: four

minutes a day I spend doing any actual work at work: 45

times my mother said 'one more song' last night during Rock Band: three

times my father rolled his eyes and leaned back into the couch: three

Things I love

2008-11-07T23:42:00.002-06:00

my hair for fifteen minutes after I get out of the shower

Swarlton Banks (like you didn't see that coming)

the fact that my house is spotless

these boots

my job

the fact that I get checks from three people/companies today

Kaitlyn, who finally said 'Meme' although we all know, I'll never hear her say it

this ring (and the fact that it's only $3.80)

the license plate I saw in the drive-thru that said "Knitting...it takes balls"

the fact that my mom went crazy super nuts for Rock Band last night. Like super crazy nuts.

Dumbass.

2008-11-06T20:36:00.002-06:00

And the words are backwards.

The sweetest words ever spoken (or read, in this case)

2008-11-05T15:14:00.002-06:00

Palin: 'Can not even imagine' 2012 bid

Obama 08! Obama 08!

2008-11-04T22:46:00.002-06:00

May we never hear the words 'President Palin.'

I took apart the remote control. And I can almost put it back together.

2008-11-03T21:53:00.002-06:00

She's good with the money and good with the funny

2008-11-02T04:46:00.001-06:00

My tears still litter that loney stretch of Hwy. 31 W

2008-11-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

I bet you didn't even see the ninjas either

2008-04-02T11:33:00.000-05:00

Watch this on your worst day ever. And you will still smile. Promise.

2008-03-03T14:29:00.001-06:00

If you aren't watching "30 Rock," I hate you. Unless you start watching right now.

2008-01-03T11:44:00.001-06:00

2007-12-31T06:34:00.000-06:00

2007 was a pretty mundane year, as years go. Although not much happened, I'm going to spend about 15 seconds and go over the few things that did take place this year.

This year I turned 25, which I had personally had no problem with doing. Unfortunately, our waitress at dinner didn't like my positive attitude about turning a quarter of a century old. So she proceeded to tell me about how her sister cried on her 25th birthday because it meant she was getting old and really close to 30. Personally, I don't see 25 as that close to 30, and I don't see 30 as old. But to her, that's because I'm close to 30 and old. Oh well.

This was the year that I met two of the new loves of my life. I guess I'll talk about the human baby first, so I won't make anyone angry. After months of waiting, about nine months if I am doing my math correctly, we finally got to meet the baby that made my sister talk about eating mashed potatoes for one whole day. Kaitlyn was born in June and it's hard to remember life before her. Another important addition to the family is Swarley, who was born in July, although I didn't meet him until September. Although I could probably spend the next five hours writing about how much I love my kitten, I won't. Because I do have better things to do today, and also I don't need to hear any shit about how lame I am for writing about my cat.

This was the year that I made a lot of new friends. And not just friends, but really good friends that will be around for a while. And while I'm excited about these new friends, 2007 was not the year that I made up with lost friends. 2008 will be the year for that.

2007 was the year of the awkward blind date because I went on four or five of them. While this isn't it a lot, it is for me because I'd only been on one before this year. And while I didn't fall in love with any of my dates, I did make a couple of good friends. And I didn't get murdered by any of them, so I win.

While I may consider it the year of the blind date, it was not necessarily the year of the date. This year I haven't felt comfortable in my own skin, so I've had trouble accepting dates because if I don't like myself a whole lot, it's hard to feel like someone else will like you. 2008 will be about learning to like myself more.

2007 was the year of not puking on anyone's couch. So, bonus.

This was also the year that I learned to be more comfortable experiencing new things. And not being afraid to experience them by myself. And for me, that was a big deal.

And now the list:
Best band I discovered (and by discovered, I mean I got if off a list made for me by Laura): Paramore or Copeland

Best movie I saw: Alpha Dog (and yes, I realize that movie is from 2006) or SuperBad

Best gift given to me by someone else: my mixer or my leopard print flats

Best gift given to me by me: Swarley or my BlackBerry

Best show of 2007: Monster Quest or Gangland (both on the History Channel. both seriously amazing)

Best discovery of 2007: Energizer Lithium batteries or the Loreal shampoo that comes in the pink bottle that says something about pearls or fish bowl or the fact that Nathan loves the Dave Matthews Band

2007 was the year that I loved and didn't want to be over, but honestly, I can't wait for 2008. I'm going to make it my best ever. Swearsies.

2007-11-30T23:49:00.001-06:00

Fin

Menomena is one of my new favorite bands

2007-11-29T09:09:00.000-06:00

Only in my family,

2007-11-28T21:51:00.000-06:00

can a discussion about promise rings become a discussion about cock rings.

2007-11-27T12:22:00.001-06:00

Overheard

Here's hoping that we all make it

2007-11-26T17:43:00.000-06:00

to our Beddian year, which is one where your age matches the last two digits of the year.

I want to make mine be "Gun Slingin Pimp"

2007-11-25T18:54:00.000-06:00

Possible screen names

My new favorite Christmas song?

2007-11-24T22:11:00.000-06:00

"Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas" by the Eels

Why? How about because it contains this line: "Baby Jesus, born to rock"

How can I pick a favorite?

2007-11-23T16:34:00.001-06:00

I know what you're thinking

2007-11-22T18:44:00.000-06:00

but, no, I didn't start this Web site.

2007-11-21T01:49:00.000-06:00

Love love love them

Not nearly as exciting

2007-11-20T22:47:00.000-06:00

Last night while at my parent's house, I let my mom hear a song that I thought was funny. If you've never heard it, you can go here and listen to it. It's called 'Fore She was Mama.'

In the song, there is a line about the mother not admitting that she smoked marijuana. Every time this line came on, I would look at my mom and say "Mmm hmmm." Every time, she would say that she never did. I'll buy that I guess.

Then the line came on about the mother dating a guy named Charlie who rode a Harley. When I looked at my mom, she said, "There was no Charlie with a Harley, but one time there was Steve with a Honda."

Biodegradable napkins, batteries and glass dildos

2007-11-19T21:53:00.000-06:00

Just because I'm an environmentalist doesn't mean I'm a sissy motherfucker.

You should make this for dinner tonight and invite me over

2007-11-18T10:04:00.000-06:00

How about these burgers (because they are delicious) and these fries (which I haven't made yet, but will soon because, yum)?

And for dessert? A couple of these would be nice, just to help us get into the holiday spirit a little early.

2007-11-17T08:48:00.000-06:00

This game makes me feel like I shouldn't have even graduated from high school, much less from college.

2007-11-16T15:15:00.000-06:00

Go, Fight, Win. And all of that other cheerleading nonsense.

Belgians evolved from crabs, not apes.

2007-11-15T22:49:00.000-06:00

Which explains their incessant scuttling

If you want me to love you forever, get me one of these

2007-11-14T23:41:00.000-06:00

Sock Zombie!

2007-11-13T23:06:00.000-06:00

Nothing going on
Makes it hard to write on blog
Come on December

Thanks you stretched it out probably. I didn't want to wear it right now.

2007-11-12T21:55:00.000-06:00

Quit putting shit on our bodies, David Blaine.

2007-11-11T21:05:00.001-06:00

Best of craigslist

2007-11-10T20:33:00.000-06:00

I wish I had a turtle so that I could help this guy out: My turtle needs a booty call

This guy obviously has low self esteem. Any normal person can fake a cold, you just have to have a little faith in your self: Will pay to catch your cold

OMG OMG OMG! 10,000 crickets. On the subway: Lost: big box of crickets on the subway

Here is a benefit of living with a virgin, no anal beads in the dishwasher: Keep your goddamn anal beads out of the dishwasher

Sucks for this kid because in the right light, RuPaul could pass for cute and 17-19: Take my son to his prom

For God's sake, someone come pick up this piano: Free upright piano

Possibly my favorite 'missed connection' ad of all time: To the girl who threatened to skull fuck me last night

But we already knew that I say 19 words when I could have gotten by with only four

2007-11-09T17:04:00.000-06:00

This blows my mind. I can barely relay the fact that I'm learning all of the steps to "Thriller" or that I accidentally waved to a dog in the back seat of a car because I thought it was a little kid in under 140 words, yet these people can fully explain how to make bread and cream cheese.

2007-11-08T21:41:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you have so much to do that you just do nothing? Yeah, me too.

Not posting this because I feel guilty, but because I finally got the kick in the ass I needed tonight at dinner

2007-11-07T20:15:00.000-06:00

The day Kaitlyn was born, our family was changed forever. Not just by having another person in family pictures or another mouth to feed or someone else to find gifts for, but by having the sweetest baby on the planet to bring us closer together.

When my sister told my parents that she was pregnant, my mom was happier than I have ever seen her (once she got over the fact that my sister did her pregnancy test at my house and not at my mom's). My mom has always talked about having grandchildren. When we would go shopping, she would always find tiny baby clothes that she couldn't wait to buy for her first grandchild. Of course, she would spend more time picking out dresses for little girls, but she would always say that she didn't have a preference. She just couldn't wait to have a grandchild. And you could tell that she meant it. My dad, on the other hand, just sat in his chair and said, "Huh. How about that." And that was it. Until the day Kaitlyn was born. Then I saw a very different side of my father.

When I saw how my father acted with my two young cousins, I knew that he would be a great grandfather (well, not a great grandfather because that would be his father, but you get what I'm saying here), but I had no idea how great. I don't think it would be too much to say that Pop Pop is one of Kaitlyn's favorite people. Whenever the whole family is together, she can often be found searching for his face. You almost never see her happier than when Pop Pop is making one of his silly faces for her. She smiles the biggest smiles that you will ever see her smile (geez, I own four thesauruses, but I obviously can't take the time to find another word for smile. Or even take the time to just rewrite that sentence so that I don't use the word smile 14 times. Yet I can take the time to write out my thought process about using the word smile too many times. Okay. Enough of the that. Ahem.).

One of the sweetest things I have seen is when Pop Pop is asleep in his chair with Kaitlyn sleeping on his chest. Now growing up, I saw some scary sides of my father (it probably didn't help that I was a brat), but those are long forgotten when you see how gentle and sweet he is with Kaitlyn. Of course, my mother and I are constantly fighting over who gets to hold her. And then sometimes my father will walk up and say, "Let me hold her for a minute." At first, we actually thought it would only be a minute. But we are slowly learning that once Pop Pop gets to hold her, we are never going to get a chance. When I see my father holding my niece, I realize what a great father he was and what an even better grandfather he has become. I am proud to know him and call him my father.

Turning my blog into one of those blogs

2007-11-06T23:59:00.000-06:00

2007-11-05T19:34:00.000-06:00

What? Did I say something about a post with more substance? Oops. I lied.

2007-11-04T21:54:00.000-06:00

2007-11-03T22:46:00.000-05:00

No time to post. Off to party. Will be back tomorrow with a little more substance. Sorry.

Timeline

2007-11-02T22:51:00.000-05:00

Age 13: I'm sleeping over at my best friend's house. I can still remember the Smurf piggy bank they had on the hearth of their fire place. We are lying in our sleeping bags in front of the tv, which puts us about six feet away from her parent's bedroom. During a commercial break, we hear water running in her parent's bathroom. She gives me a look and says "The water is running. You know what that means." I say "Totally" although I have no clue what that means. She says, "They had the water running because they are having sex. I can't believe they are having sex with us right here." At this point, I have no idea what running water has to do with sex, but of course, I can't let her know that. So I say, "Yeah! I can't believe they are having SEX. Gross!"

Age 25: Although I've knocked my fair share of boots, I still have no idea what was up with the running water and how she equated that with her parents having sex.

**Inspired by #42 in "No One Cares What You Had for Lunch"

If you don't know me, this may help. If you do know me, why are you still my friend?

2007-11-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

*If I see even one line of the show information on t.v., I have to read the entire thing. Even if it's the info about "The Hills" or "Ted Mosby: Sex Architect."

*Once, I told a friend that I wish I could bottle my cat's scent and wear it as a perfume. But in my defense, it's not so I can smell like my cat all of the time. He just smells good. Kinda like a dryer sheet.

*Earlier today while cleaning, I put in some old c.d.s that I used to listen to in high school. And I remembered every word. To every song. This is probably why I can't remember what I'm supposed to do 10 minutes after I'm told to do it.

*Sometimes I change the time I am supposed to be at work, so that I can listen to NPR during my drive.

*I have conversations with my cat. Often.

*I feel like if my cat could talk, he would speak with a deep baritone.

*I kept my friend's fake hair and put it on a vase with a pair of fake glasses and a nose.

*I love to sleep under a fitted sheet because it snuggles around you.

The sad thing is, I have many more weird things that I could announce to the Internet, but I'm not. You're welcome.

**Inspired by #30 in "No One Cares What You Had for Lunch"

Things I love

2007-10-02T11:09:00.000-05:00

the smell of dryer sheets

that one thing Swarley does when I come out of my room after getting ready for work

Copeland (thanks for the heads up, Laura. You were right; they are changing my life)

people who don't speak in third person

the smell of pomegranates

chuck

that one thing Swarley does when he sees me holding a bowl of ice cream

the color of my toenails right now

the fact that someone is cleaning my kitchen as I type this

mystery

the white ginger sauce from Kyoto

Slowly, but surely...

2007-10-02T09:10:00.000-05:00

2007-06-03T19:49:00.000-05:00

I'm back from my vacation in Florida. But since I am still unpacking, I don't have time to write about my trip yet. But I can leave you with something. I don't know if you have ever heard of freecycle.org, but if you haven't, you are missing out. This is a community site where you get other people's shit that they don't want any more. Like a santa suit. For FREE. It doesn't get any better than that. It's kind of like a yard sale, but without the yard. And the sale. Anyways, it's awesome because it's so easy to get free crap. Other freecyclers post a list of stuff they have that they want to get rid of and then all you have to do is send them an email and tell them that you are willing to take their crap. And then you go get it. And then you have someone else's crap. For FREE.

While the possibility of getting other people's shit for free may sound like it's the best part of Freecycle, it's not. The best part is the emails that the people send out with their list of crap. I don't know if it's because I live in the South, and God, I hope it's not. And God, I really don't think it is, but there are some dumb people out there. And weird, pervy-type people. That aren't ashamed to let you in on their dumbness. Or their weird, pervyness. Here are some of the real gems that I have received in my inbox over the last few months (I have left in all misspellings and grammatical errors because that is fun. And I am a bitch):

*Wanted: a mattress and box springs - Sent from gstringmom@emailprovider.com

*Wanted: a Porta-crib or a playpen to use for a baby goat - condition doesn't have to be the best - but with no structural problems!

*Wanted: a small female dog. prefer a young preety girl. I want to dress her up and take lots of pictures. Need the little girl I never had. Also prefer one with med. length to long hair, not short.

*Offer: ChilDesign White Baby Bed. Needs picked up ASPS.

How to make me love you

2007-05-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

When you see me with a splint on my finger, ask me in a hushed whisper, "What happened? Was there another 'Sweet Valley High' incident."

20 things I am

2007-05-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

1. Suffering from one of the worst migraines of my life
2. Loving the last episode of 'The Office.' Pam + Jim 4 life
3. Wishing it wasn't so cold in my house right now
4. Ready for Monday so I can find out if I got the job
5. Really ready for Thursday when I leave for Bartlett
6. Really really ready for Friday when I leave for Florida
7. Needing to make some mix tapes for the trip. Okay, I guess they are mix c.d.s but that sounds lame
8. Wishing I had a house boy to take out my overflowing trash can...and do tons of other things around my house, including finishing my closet that has been torn apart for a month now
9. Embarrassed about the dream that I had that included one of my friends, me and a box of Sam's Club condoms
10. Hungry for a chimichanga
11. In need of a manicure and a pedicure
12. In need of enough money to get a manicure and a pedicure
13. Excited about meeting my niece (or nephew) in a month
14. Cold
15. Realizing that I need a five-year plan. That includes something other than planning for one month of nothing but chocolate pudding.
16. Not shopping online
17. Putting Kahlua in my coffee right now
18. Only a little upset that the remote is all the way across the room, thus making me have to watch the commercials
19. Mad that no one will go to the drive-in with me tonight
20. Able to think of these far more easily than 20 things that I am not

20 things I am not

2007-05-10T12:24:00.000-05:00

1. Ever going to stop playing at least 30 minutes of Guitar Hero every day. God willing.
2. Cool
3. Willing to believe that Paris Hilton doesn't deserve to go to jail
4. Afraid of making an ass out of myself to get everyone to laugh
5. In the least bit, motivated at all today to do anything
6. Going to worry about the job interview that I had today. If it happens, good. If not, oh well.
7. Able to stop scratching this damn mosquito bite that I got from standing around talking outside last night
8. At all interesting in turning around to see what is on the tv screen even though I just heard the words "chocolate" and "colonics" within 10 seconds of each other
9. Doing very well at 365 days
10. Shopping online. Okay, well maybe I am
11. Willing to admit that the fact that one of my calendars shows April and another one shows March proves just how damn lazy I can be
12. Proud of the fact that I just hid from the UPS guy because I'm in a tank top and tiny shorts
13. Capable of not picking at my nails
14. Happy about the fact that I am such a wimp that I couldn't even lay out in the sun for more than 30 minutes without complaining about how hot it was and having to go inside to cool off
15. Going to be able to handle being at the beach for a week
16. Willing to stop checking my email at least once an hour
17. Able to decide whether or not there should be a period at the end of each of these phrases. I know that they aren't sentences, but there is still something in side of me that is compelling me to put periods at the end of each one.
18. A hater
19. In love with my hair anymore. Earlier today, it was fantastic, but now, not so much.
20. Able to think of anymore things that I am not

Doing this only because I am too busy playing Guitar Hero to write anything else

2007-05-07T13:26:00.000-05:00

How did you like the Hummer?

Dopthat timestwelve

But I do know that she is a playa hata.

These french fries are delicious. Can I stowaway in your luggage and go away with you? <- try that.

Damn. My blue t-shirt is in the washer. Would he believe that you keep a hot pink shirt in your trunk for emergencies? If so, I may have a plan.

I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday.

It's okay. I've almost stopped bleeding.

Is Gerald Ford alive?

Help! This dude is freaky naughty.

Look at rue mcclanahan from the golden girls.

What is the female version of a wizard?

Just stay indoors at all times. You do have your indoor shades, right?

You are hot...inside and out.

With some lotion and a "Boy's Gone Wild" dvd?

Take a doo-doo pie. I merely tolerate you.

I think I just saw you on tv.

Knitting, watching "America's Next Top Model" and burping up a turkey sandwich.

Do you want to see Harry Potter's penis?

And yes, I am a knight of the round table.

Please stop playing dueling banjos on the electric guitar as I am trying to get my hot ass off to bed.

Sweet dreames (that's how he said it!).

I knew you would enjoy that. I was sitting here bored while taking a dump, so I thought I would say hi. Hi!

And my all-time most favorite text message in the history of the world:
How can I invite Barry Gibb to church?

So if I can read this, did his bitch really fall off or did he never have a bitch to begin with?

2007-04-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was riding around town and I got stopped at a red light behind a van. The back of the van was covered with bumper stickers, but I was only able to read one. And that one has bugged the shit out of me ever since. The bumper sticker said "ABORTION CAUSES BREAST CANCER."

I read it. Then I read it out loud. Then I read it again because in my head I knew that there was no way that was true. But I also couldn't understand why a bumper sticker would lie. So I sat there for a few minutes trying to reassure myself that no, there was no way that bumper sticker could be correct.

I called my mom so that I could make sure that she agreed that there was no way that abortion causes breast cancer. We talked about it, each trying to reassure the other that no, there is no way that bumper sticker could be correct.

Why would someone put that on a bumper sticker? I had no idea that it was possible for a bumper sticker to contain a non-truth. I thought that there must be some kind of law that demands pure truth and honesty when it comes to bumper stickers. Apparently, I was wrong. I now don't know which bumper stickers to trust anymore.

I guess it's time for me to acknowledge that the people in front of me may or may not have an honor student at Lakewood Elementary and that the people beside me may or may not have a student capable of beating up the other people's supposed honor student.

In my dreams, he's dressed like a pirate and my dong is his peg-leg...

2007-04-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

How to make an awful song a fantastic song

2007-04-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

I'm kidding. I don't think "My Humps" is an awful song. I just wish I could figure out what out is a lovely lady lump.

Ummm...yeah. I'll get right on that.

2007-03-29T11:13:00.001-05:00

Ummm...yeah. I'll get right on that.
Originally uploaded by emievick.

If a fish shits in his tank and that tank is located directly below a deep-fat fryer...

2007-03-29T10:54:00.000-05:00

I don't know what this guy is saying because he's (duh) speaking Japanese, but it's probably somewhere along the lines of "This is fucking crazy."

How to make me hate you with the hate of a thousand hates

2007-03-29T09:39:00.000-05:00

Go outside and get something of your car then go back inside your house and shut the door. Then, when I come running up to your front door to use your phone because I'm a jackass and somehow locked myself out of my house, refuse to open the door.

And then, after I have to go to three other houses in order to finally find a phone to use because one of them isn't home, then the other doesn't have long distance or a cell phone (which, btw, who doesn't have a cell phone!?!?!), walk your FAT ASS out of your house to walk your dog. Because I guess I'm supposed to believe that you were gone in the five minutes that I was looking for someone to help me. Even though your car was in the driveway the entire time. I hate you. K. Bye.

Ummm...hell's yeah.

2007-03-10T14:15:00.000-06:00

So, top that.

Putting this in your head so that maybe it will get out of mine

2007-03-07T23:01:00.000-06:00

After watching two guys read the back of every box of condoms the other night, I saw them finally choose one and head toward the front of the store. As it turns out, I ended up behind them in the check-out line.

I put my purchases on the belt and watched the cashier ring up the two items that one of the guys was buying. Being nosy, I tried to see what kind of condoms they finally decided to get (Trojan Supras, in case you were wondering). But much to my surprise, not only did I get to see what kind of condoms he was buying, I also got to see what he was buying with the condoms. And man, I wish I hadn't.

After he finished buying his stuff and then headed to the door, I went up to pay the cashier for my stuff. She was trying to hold in a laugh, as was I. Why? Because to go along with his condom purchase, this guy also bought Krazy Glue. The cashier and I laughed about this together and then we decided that we didn't want to know what those two dudes were going to do with a pack of condoms and a tube of Krazy Glue.

But. But! I can't stop thinking about it. Now, I am sure that there is a logical reason why he bought the Krazy Glue. And I'm sure this reason has nothing to do with the condoms. But. What if it doesn't?

Pee to the ess: He had to show I.D. to buy the Krazy Glue. But not the condoms.

Boooring, I know. But I don't want to have gone a whole month without saying anything

2007-02-20T10:21:00.000-06:00

So...what did you think about the wudang double sword?

I don't know, but a big ol' mess of pork chops does sound good right now.

Phillipondeeznutz, woman. Yeah.

I am waiting in line at the post office. (Now in an old lady voice) they should open another window.

Then you're gone...you disappear like a phantom.

Congratulations on your new head position.

Red coat actress is really getting on my nerves.

I think someone shit on the coats.

Is your one more stop your butthole?

No prob. I'm puff painting a shirt with Nathan's face on it.

Do you want to watch them foam fight?

I guess we are too old to deserve love.

Good night. I love you.

WHAT?!? I hope it wasn't on my coat.

Momma's french toast breakfast when you are hungover. Now THAT is God's love.

Come in here and tell me if it looks dumb.

There is a midget on there with a seven-foot son.

Did you get all of your d&d shit done even though I distracted you last night with rum and movies?

Should I take the deal for 594750 when I have 200,000 and 750,000 and 1,000,000 left?

And McDonald's fries when you're hungover.

To me, God's love is the white ginger sauce from Kyoto's.

Quit your job and let's go get drunk.

The vodka makes it easier to cope.

According to my dad,

2007-01-22T10:29:00.000-06:00

here are a couple of appropriate responses to the Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on the door:

a. Just don't answer the door. (Although they were at the next-door neighbor's house when you pulled into the driveway 4 minutes ago. And there are four cars in the driveway. But they'll probably believe no one's home.)

b. Tell them you are an atheist

c. Invite them in for afterbirth and crackers

d. Tell them that they are just in time for the virginal sacrifice

R.I.P.

2007-01-11T15:05:00.000-06:00

Timothy Starr Lee (05/30/80-01/05/07)

Gotta do this soon before they get deleted

2007-01-09T19:27:00.000-06:00

It's that time again for this dayweekmonth in texts. Here we go:

-I don't know 94428 84428 633266777

-I think someone shit on the coats.

-Jesus and I love you more.

-When does your tomfoolery not involve a pooping penguin?

-Text convo:
-Celebrities are just like us!
-They pick their belly button lint! And then smell it!! Or is that just me? !!!!
-They masturbate every 2.3 days! 1!1!!
-They shit in the toilet! Exclamation point!!!

-He told me to tell Jesus hi for him and I told him to do the same for me if he saw Him. He told me he would punch Jesus in the face.

-I'm sitting in a gas station parking lot. And I'm pretty sure there is a hooker on the other side of the lot.

-I said that you don apostrostrophe t know what I apostrophe m saying.

-Will you be my husband if I get picked for Wife Swap?

-Nope. Don't want to be murdered.

How to make me love you

2007-01-08T22:47:00.000-06:00

Make this conversation happen at least three times a week:

Me, sighing: "I love being hot."

You, sighing even more: "I know you do."

And bonus points for knowing how to correctly answer this question:

With the television blaring and you in the corner playing the guitar while listening to music on the computer:

Me, hoping and praying that you come up with the correct response: "Why would you want to listen to the radio with the television on?"

You, immediately, with no hesitation whatsoever: "Cuz I like to party."*

*Bonus points for you if you know what movie this is from

Maybe this is why my friends are always calling me a pussy

2006-12-31T11:34:00.000-06:00

As I pushed my cart up to the checkout line, I could already see the checker-person staring at my semi-full cart with contempt.

I know. How dare I grocery shop when she is working? Whore! After she caught me staring at her staring at my cart, she kinda half-smiled to show me that she wasn't really angry that I did my grocery shopping while she was working. But you could tell that she still was. So to smooth things over with this angry checker-person, I gave her a big smile and a "hi, how are ya?" type of thing. Didn't help. She was still angry.

Oh, well. Don't care. But I do! So as she huffed while scanning the large amount of fruits and vegetables that I had, I apologized for attempting to buy some many fruits and vegetables.

Yep. I apologized for buying food. And! Offered to put some of them back up.

Hi, my name is Vagina McGinastein and I offered to put back my groceries so this little girl didn't have to work. Help me now.

Yet another reason my family rocks

2006-12-30T19:26:00.000-06:00

Dad: I had to go to one of the porno shops on Dickerson Road to give them a bid. And I had to wait on the manager of the store.

Me: Did he come out of the back room wiping his sticky hands off?

Dad (totally serious): No, he came in the front door.

*Now that I've typed this out, it feels like one of those "you had to be there" moments, but let me tell you, after he said that, my mom and I rolled in the floor laughing.

Too cold to think of anything to write, so here's some stuff that has already been written

2006-12-05T15:25:00.000-06:00

*Texts to me and from me...

He sucked dick for coke - did you see that coming?

Wow. I guess he never found out that she was a lesbian.

Your mom sucks cock in hell. And so will you.

I think there is someone in my closet. I am trying to freak him or her out by talking about my big black boyfriend being on his way home from the gym and the shooting range.

Dustin forgot his cell phone at home. I tried to catch him but he drives FAST.

I was in Jericho growing pasta for the poor children. That's how much I think of myself.

Neither did sexy. Until it couldn't breathe anymore.

I am awesome

2006-12-04T15:29:00.001-06:00

I am attempting to do a project where you take one self portrait every day. For a year. My only goofy shot has become my most popular. It was even chosen by Flickr to be on their 'interestingness' page. Here is a screenshot of where it was featured. Pay no attention to the tabs in Firefox that show that I was also looking at stuff on my cat. Because I wasn't. Well, maybe a little. Okay. For an hour.

2006-11-30T23:43:00.001-06:00

Fin

Hysteria

2006-11-29T21:20:00.000-06:00

Sexervations

2006-11-28T21:24:00.000-06:00

Me: "Has a guy ever asked you to stick your finger up their asshole?"

Dustin: "Honey, I'm gay. My finger is at the bottom of the list of things I've stuck up a guy's asshole."

Asked and answered, I suppose.

Overheard

2006-11-27T18:19:00.000-06:00

Rich Bitch 1: "Do you think your cleaning lady will clean my windows before the Parade of Homes?"

Rich Bitch 2: "No, but my window guy will."

Me: "Arghh..."

Happiness...

2006-11-26T19:13:00.000-06:00

is the name of a novel that I am reading. Here is my just one of my favorite lines:

"Someplace, over the rainbow, where people fought, fucked, drank and smoke with a reckless human abandon."

When I have some time* (probably tomorrow), I will try to write more of a review of this book.

*For someone who was laid off last week and thus only works at her second job about 15 hours a week, I sure have said that a lot lately.

2006-11-25T19:13:00.000-06:00

2006-11-24T20:45:00.000-06:00

Just a couple of the things that I am thankful for:

1) my kick-ass friends- I would be lost without them
2) my even kick-assier family- I could write a million words about all that they do for me, but not tonight
3) my boss who loves me
4) Megan's grandma's wontons- fuck, yeah
5) cheap shampoo that still makes my hair look great
6) beer- cheap and it does what it's supposda

More to come later, but right now, I'm going to take advantage of 5, 1, 6 and 4. In that order.

Good things come to those who wait

2006-11-23T22:07:00.000-06:00

Except when it comes to this blog. I'm in a shitty mood, so my "lovey-dovey let's all give thanks" post won't be happening tonight. Check back later. Much later.

Thankful

2006-11-22T20:05:00.001-06:00

for many things.

*I hopefully will be back later tonight to write more sappy crap. If not, it will happen tomorrow.

Something I didn't really expect to need to do today

2006-11-21T17:48:00.000-06:00

Setting a reminder in my cell phone to file for unemployment tomorrow

Worst day

2006-11-20T19:46:00.001-06:00

There are no words. Hopefully there will be tomorrow.